


Last Words

by Kallonimo



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Best friend Liara T'SoniTM, F/M, Minor Character Death, Shepard can't drive, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Swearing, TW Suicidal tendencies, no beta we die like jenkins
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-11
Updated: 2020-12-18
Packaged: 2021-03-06 23:21:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 15
Words: 8,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26407147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kallonimo/pseuds/Kallonimo
Summary: Your soulmate's last words to you appear on your skin in their handwriting. Christine Shepard's mark says "I love you too". In turian.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 55
Kudos: 122





	1. I love you too

It takes a few years for her tattoo to appear. At first Christine thinks that maybe she doesn’t even have a soulmate. The thought doesn’t really bother her too much. It doesn’t mean that she’ll never find love, rather that she’ll get a true choice in it. That she isn’t bound to someone she might never find. 

Everyone around her gets theirs at around sixteen, so when she’s eighteen and there still isn’t any writing on her body she joins the Alliance. Christine, who is now going by her last name of Shepard, comfortably settles into the idea of not having a soulmate, of being only responsible for herself. 

And then it appears after all. Shepard is twenty now, well into her military career with her sights on N7. And suddenly the tattoo appears. A short phrase in an alien language covering a piece of skin on her right forearm. It doesn’t take her too long to find out it’s turian. Her omni tool translates it to: “I love you too.”. Fuck.

She hides it. A human with a turian soulmate is unheard of. An alliance soldier with a turian soulmate is a paradox. If anyone finds out about it, she’s never gonna make N7. Shepard takes to wearing her omni tool on the right, along with holographic make up. She also rarely wears short sleeves any more. Her friends make jokes about her not being able to handle the cold. 

Shepard curses her Turian, whoever they may be. Then again, they probably have to go to similar lengths to hide their tattoo. Sometimes she finds herself wondering who they are, this person that she will love, and what they are doing. She doesn’t want to admit it, but she does look forward to finding them. It’s nice to know there’s someone out there for her. To know she will be loved. 

But for now, Shepard hides her tattoo. Pretends she doesn’t have a soulmate. Maybe once she meets them things will change.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	2. Garrus Vakarian, C-Sec, Liara T’Soni, Archeologist

Shepard’s focus on her career pays off. By the time she’s in her thirties she’s a Commander, serving under Anderson. And then it gets even better. They want her to become the first human spectre. 

She is trying her absolute hardest on Eden Prime, be the best and most professional she possibly can be. It doesn’t matter of course, because everything goes sideways. First she loses Jenkins, then Nihlus dies and then...she’s barely thinking when she pushes Kaidan away from the beacon. Just trying to save her friend.

Her mind is flooded with pictures, sensations and sound. Screaming. Tearing. Pain. War. Danger. Shepard blacks out.

It takes her a few seconds to recognize the Normandy’s medbay when she comes to. From then on everything goes a path no one could have seen coming. Anderson insists on still pushing her for Spectre, but it seems the way to get her there is making Saren her enemy. 

Shepard is relieved that at least he is already under C-Sec investigation. The investigating officer introduces himself as Garrus Vakarian. There’s something about him that Shepard likes immediately. The combination of confidence and stubbornness he exhibits strike a chord with her.

When it turns out he’s also a good shot, if a big overeager, she gladly let’s him join her crew. It’s good to have a sniper on board and Garrus also asks to tend to the Mako. Shepard, knowing all to well that she is a terrible driver, thinks the tank could need it. 

There is a weird sort of formality between them. He only addresses her by her title, she only addresses him as Vakarian. They are both soldiers to their core. 

With Liara it’s a different story. She’s a scientist and they had their minds connected to each other after all. She and the Asari become fast friends, frequently spending whole evening talking in Shepard’s cabin. Shepard also gets Liara to call her by her first name, a refreshing change of pace from the seriousness and stiffness of her spectre position.

“I meant to ask you…”, Liara asks the night before they dock on Feros. “Do you have a soulmate?”

Shepard is too surprised to lie. Before she can even think about she’s said. “Yeah”. Weird. When did having a soulmate become such a natural part of her life?”

“Ah so THAT’S what I felt.”

Shepard looks at Liara questioningly, causing her to elaborate. “I felt someone else in your mind. Not like a presence more like a connection, It’s normal with people that have their soulmate near. But I never saw a tattoo on you so I was questioning myself.”

“My soulmate is near?”

“Apparently”, Liara sounds intrigued, the scientist in her coming out. “Do you know who it is?”

“No”, Shepard admits, then pulls up her sleeve, showing the tattoo to Liara. “It’s in Turian.”

“Garrus?”

“Don’t be absurd.”

“Saren then.”

Shepard dissolves into laughter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	3. Virmire

The hunt for Saren is stressful to say the least, Shepard can’t remember ever having been under this much pressure. At least the freedom to take on board whoever she wants to is coming in handy. Additionally to her friendship with Liara, the entire team in engineering is enamoured with Tali and Wrex turns out to be not just an incredibly fighter, but also a fun personality. 

And then there’s Garrus. Every day Shepard appreciates him more. As expected he keeps the Mako alive despite her driving (but with a little more vocal complaint than she anticipated) and he turns out to be just as good a sniper as it seemed that first time they met. There is still an air of formality between them, but she can feel it slowly melting away over the days and weeks they spend together. Shepard finds herself wandering down to the shuttle bay more and more. And Liara’s jokes make her think about the soulmate tattoo again. 

It would be oddly fitting. Especially now that she is a spectre and the limitations of a normal alliance soldier don’t really apply to her any more. But Shepard pushes the thought to the back of her mind, she can’t be thinking about soulmates right now. 

-

Virmire goes terribly wrong and thoughts of anything else are wiped from Shepard’s mind. Kaidan is dead and there isn’t even a body to recover. Blind panic soon turns to overwhelming sorrow and Shepard disappears into her office under the pretence of writing a report, only to emerge an hour later with a fresh face of make up on. 

She finds herself sitting by Kaidan’s locker that night. She meant to clean it out, but now she’s just sitting there shaking. The moment oh her decision, to save him or Ashley, replays in her head again and again. Shepard keeps asking herself what she should have done different. What her mistake was. If she should have chosen differently. 

She doesn’t even notice Garrus until he crouches down in front of her. “Commander?”

“Vakarian.”, she tries a smile but only manages a weak twitch of her mouth, at least the shivering is slowly subsiding. 

“Are you okay?”

Shepard considers her answer. She really doesn’t want to show too much emotion, but she trusts Garrus and maybe...”Not even remotely.”

“Fair enough.”, he scoffs and extends an arm towards her. “We are having drinks upstairs, kind of...remembering I guess. I thought you might want to join us.”

“I guess”, Shepard takes the arm and heaves herself up. “Better than being alone.”

Garrus lets go of her arm as soon as she is standing. “My thoughts exactly.”

Shepard follows him up to the crew deck, her thoughts wandering to her soulmate tattoo once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	4. Maybe

In the final weeks of their search Shepard finds herself thinking of her soulmate tattoo more and more. Her soulmate tattoo and Garrus to be exact. What if? What if she has found him when she wasn’t even looking?

Lots of people spend ages searching for their soulmates. Lots of people never find them. Often it’s just someone they talk to only once in their life. They only cross paths for one brief moment before they are separated again. One of the soldiers in Shepard’s Akuze unit never found his. His tattoo said “Good Morning”. He kept complaining about it. How he might have already met his soulmate and how maybe he hadn’t yet and he’d never know. He still had a chance of course, if he found someone with the matching handwriting. Services cataloging handwriting and tattoos to match people exist, but they are expensive with a questionable success rate. Every time he complained Shepard thought to her tattoo, how her soulmate would be easier to find, how she was practically guaranteed to find them. And how their last words to her will be a declaration of love. She would unconsciously touch it. And she’d never say anything. 

On the citadel Saren almost tears off her arm, taking a good chunk of her armor off instead. Garrus gets him away from her before he can attack again and second later lands a second hit, finally killing the thing that was once Saren for good. His cheer of joy fills Shepard with such warmth, she’s almost sure. 

She walks over to him and wraps her arms around both him and Liara. Garrus looks at her in confusion. “Commander.”

Shepard grins. “This, Vakarian, is a hug. Expresses affection and happiness. We did it.”

They all laugh and Garrus hugs her back, learning as quickly as usual. “I like it.”

-

There’s a celebration on the Citadel a few days after. Shepard is leaning to a wall, drink in hand, when Liara positions himself next to her. Shepard raises her drink. “Dr. T’Soni.”

Liara gives her an irritated look. “Commander?”

Shepard laughs. “I’m kidding Liara.”

“Oh goddess Chris, I thought I’d pissed you off”, she laughs too, then points at Shepard’s arm. “How’s your arm? You had so much armour torn off I could see your soulmate tattoo.”

“Shit”, Shepard chokes on her drink. “Do you think Garrus saw?”

“I don’t think so, why?”, Liara asks, then her eyes widen. “Oh, you think…”

“Maybe”

“Hmm”, she leans back again “It would make sense, I mean...you two get along really well. Better than when you first told me about it.”

“Yeah, I don’t know.”, Shepard pulls her sleeve back down. “It says ‘I love you too’ so I will most probably find them, whoever they are, at some point. It’s just not something I can spend a lot of time and energy on right now.”

“True”, Liara sighs. “But you’re a Spectre. You’ll always be busy.”

“Yeah I know”, Shepard absentmindedly runs a hand through her hair. “But it also means I wont die till a Turian says I love you too to me so…”

Liara laughs. “That’s one way to look at it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	5. The Cold of Space

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay, I didn't get around to posting this on Friday.

How is this possible?

Shepard is running out of air. There’s a hole in the back of her suit. The oxygen is escaping. She’s suffocating.

How is this possible?

She’s not supposed to die. Not yet. Shepard claws at the back of her head. The air keeps hissing out. Blackness comes creeping in from the edges of her vision.

How is this possible?

He hasn’t said it yet. Garrus hasn’t said he loves her yet. Why is she dying? This shouldn’t be possible. 

But it’s happening.

Her consciousness fades. 

Maybe it’s not Garrus. Maybe it’s someone else. Maybe she didn’t hear it. Maybe...she was wrong.

Commander Christine Shepard dies at 17:05 Vancouver Time. The Alliance is notified by her second in Command, one Chief Ashley Williams, a few hours later. Most of the Normandy Crew survived. Jeff “Joker” Moreau only survived because she saved him. Shepard’s corpse is not found. 

-

Light years away, on the Citadel, Garrus Vakarian hears the news and learns to understand what humans mean when they speak of heartbreak. He feels it’s a fitting metaphor for what he is experiencing. 

He was sure it was her. Every time they laughed together, every time she smiled at him and he felt a warmth he’d never known before. He was so sure Shepard was his soulmate. And now she’s dead and the tattoo is still there.

When Garrus was sixteen the writing appeared on his arm. Human letters. He hid it of course, it wouldn’t have been safe. It wouldn’t have been good for his family. His father. He would never have become a C-Sec officer, much less considered for Spectre. But Garrus always hoped he would find his soulmate at some point. 

And he thought he had found them in Shepard. 

But that’s not possible any more. He was wrong.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	6. Lazarus

**Two years later**

Shepard wakes up with a start. Her first instinct is to keep gasping for air and she takes in so much she starts to choke and cough. She rolls off the surface she is lying on and hits the floor, hard.

What is this?

A voice is coming in over the speakers, telling her to grab a weapon. A woman. British.

Where is she?

Shepard’s reflexes kick in, her training to follow orders. She grabs the armour and gun. It’s an N7 armour, perfectly tailored to her measurements. What the hell?

Her whole body is stinging. The right side of her face especially feels like it’s breaking apart. Her biotics feel different, more charged. What once was only a pleasant tingle now feels like electricity is coursing through her veins. She tries to remember if Kaidan ever described it like this.

Shepard makes her way out of the room and through the labs, perceiving and picking up information as she goes. She died. She’s alive again. She has been rebuild. This is a Cerberus facility. It’s been two years. Two years. Fuck.

She tries to get some more information out of Miranda and Jacob, but that proves difficult. Miranda looks at Shepard like she’s a science project. A guinea pig. She seems more interested in talking about the scientific insights she gained resurrecting her than Shepard herself. “You helped us find out some interesting things about soulmates tattoos.”

“And what would that be”, Shepard asks in as cold a tone as possible. The mention of the tattoo makes her heart beat faster. Garrus. Where is he? Is he alright? Are any of her old crew?

“We didn’t know you had one until it suddenly appeared one day. Probably the moment your skin had regenerated enough. That’s not unusual, a lot of people regenerate their tattoos after injuries, but I wonder, is yours still the same as it was when you died?”

Shepard doesn’t even need to look at the tattoo to know that. It was one of the first things she checked once she realized what had happened to her. “Yes.”

“Fascinating.”, Miranda says, in a tone that sounds entirely monotone. “So it knew.”

“I suppose.”

“And a Turian soulmate at that…you truly are extraordinary. I can see why the Illusive Man is so interested in you.”

Shepard doesn’t answer.

Seeing Joker again is the first truly good thing since she woke up. She is very aware the Illusive Man is trying to manipulate her, but the relief of having one of her friends back trumps her wariness. She just hopes the others are okay too.

It’s also not too bad to have a new and improved Normandy to fly around in. And to be able to choose the colour of her armour. She always did like red.

And so it comes that Shepard goes on another hunt. For the Collectors this time. Her body still feels foreign to her, as does this new version of the Normandy. But her soulmate tattoo is still there. It reminds her who she is. And that somewhere out there is someone who will love her still.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading <3


	7. Omega

Garrus doesn’t know how long he’s been hauled up in the apartment. He has taken sniping position over the bridge, shooting everything that moves. The tactic works, but it also leaves him with no escape and to say he is exhausted would be an understatement. He can barely keep his eyes open and despite downing stims at a rapid pace. 

A figure in red walks out onto the bridge and Garrus shoots without thinking. The bullets are caught by a biotic shield and Christine Shepard gives him an annoyed look. What?

-

Shepard has been conflicted to say the least. The new Normandy is a beauty. Joker is still a good friend and a brilliant pilot and it was nice seeing Tali too. But something is still wrong. 

Well, not something. She knows exactly what it is. Cerberus. Everyone on the Normandy is wearing their insignia and Miranda’s presence is a constant reminder that she isn’t an Alliance Commander any more. It hurts. It’s wrong. 

She tries to take her mind off it on Omega. Pretending to be a mercenary should be fun. 

-

Garrus freezes. Shepard. Shepard’s here. Shepard’s alive. Or maybe this just means that he is dead. Maybe she is coming to gather him.

Maybe he’s hallucinating. He really doesn’t know how many stims he’s taken. Maybe...

Shepard shoots the merc in front of her in the back of the head, proving that she is very much real. 

-

They fight their way up to Archangel’s position and before Shepard can even say anything he takes off his helmet. Garrus. Shepard freezes. She doesn’t get another word out. Something clicks into place and for the first time since she woke up in that Cerberus lab she feels the world is alright. 

-

She’s real and she’s standing in front of him. Garrus can’t really believe it. 

They don’t get to talk much before all hell breaks loose. Shepard runs all over the place, wreaking havoc with her biotics and Garrus watches her back like the good old days. It feels so very right.

-

She loves him.

-

He loves her.

-

Shepard is running up the stairs, back towards Garrus. He turns and smiles at her and she is about to say something, she doesn’t even know what, maybe yell in triumph, maybe tell him how much she has missed him, maybe apologize. 

The rocket hits and all that comes out of her mouth is a panicked scream.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay they are finally reunited! Thank you for reading :)


	8. I Always Will

Consciousness comes back to him, slowly. It’s only pain, at first. Garrus head feels like it breaking into pieces. Light comes next. He’s in a white room, he thinks. Then sound. Shepard’s and another familiar voice. It takes him a few minutes to recognize Doctor Chakwas. 

The conversation ends and one of them walks out. A door hisses shut. He must be in a medbay or hospital. Chakwas presence suggests the Normandy. But the Normandy is destroyed. It’s impossible. Unless…

Garrus turns his head. Shepard is sitting next to him, looking at him with….concern? He has to get better at reading human expressions. “Am I dead?” He sounds slurred to himself, Garrus hopes the translator doesn’t make him sound quite as bad to her. 

Shepard is startled for a second, then laughs. “No you’re alive. But I can see where you would get that idea.”

He would like to laugh to but his muscles don’t cooperate. Garrus tries to at least flare a mandible but his face is pretty much numb, probably better than the alternative. “So you’re alive.”

“Yeah”, she smiles. 

“The two people that were with you...the symbol they were wearing…”

Shepard sighs. “Cerberus. Believe me when I tell you I’m not happy about it either. They rebuild me and sent me to investigate the disappearance of human colonies.”

Garrus carefully pushes himself up into a sitting position. He only barely manages. “So we’re helping people.”

“I suppose.”, she raises an eyebrow. “We? You already decided you’re coming with us?”

“Of course I am. It’s not like I got anywhere to return to and I missed the Normandy”, and you, he thinks. “It’ll be nice to have a purpose again.”

Garrus pretty sure the look on her Shepard’s is relief. She’s definitely happy. “Thank you. It’s been...I would be happy to have you back.” 

They fall silent. Garrus falls back into the last thoughts he had before the rocket hit him. How he feels about Shepard. How….

Shepard interrupts his thoughts by speaking again. “I have something to ask you.”

Garrus looks up at her, expectantly. She pulls up her right sleeve and presents him her arm, resting it on the bed. “Is this your handwriting?”

A soulmate tattoo. She is showing him her soulmate tattoo. Not only that, but it’s in turian. Garrus is to stunned to answer her question. Too stunned to even read it. It takes him a second. It says “I love you too”. And it’s definitely his handwriting. He nods, slowly. “Yeah.”

Shepard’s face is neutral, not betraying a single thing. Maybe it would be if he was better at reading her, but alas...Garrus reaches over and pulls up his own sleeve, revealing the human script on his own arm. He shows it to Shepard. “I guess that’s yours’.”

“Yeah”, she sounds like the air has been knocked out of her body. “Yeah it is, the way I...I do my ys like that they are quite…”, she trails off, staring down at his both their arms, lying next to each other on the medbay bed. “I found you. I mean I suspected but…”, she carefully moves her hand over the letters on his arm, as if she fears that they would fade or smudge if she she touches them. “I found you.”

The shaking in her voice, her smile, the way she touches his arm. It all fills Garrus with a warmth he has never felt before. He carefully takes her hand. “Yeah.”

Shepard looks up at him, still smiling. Her eyes are shimmering with tears. He knows they are happy tears this time. She leans forward to hug him and Garrus wraps his arms around her looking down at his tattoo again. It’s the same it has always been. His visor translates the words to turian script.

“I love you. I always will.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	9. Old Friends

Shepard and Garrus decide to take it slow and they do manage to keep themselves to that decision, for the most part. They also decide to keep it a secret and even manage to do that, for the most part.

Miranda starts giving Shepard weird looks when she starts appearing on the Crew Deck more and more. Shepard previously kept to her Cabin, but now she also spends a lot of time in the main battery. And she has to walk past Miranda’s office to get there.

Shepard still doesn’t trust Miranda. She is only now starting to feel like her body really is hers and she still feels watched, under observation. When she sees a hamster on the Citadel, running around in a little glass case, she feels a strange kind of kinship and buys it.

They don’t really manage to keep it from Mordin either. Somehow, he just...knows. Shepard enters his lab and he starts talking about the rarity of a Turian/Human soulmate connection and giving...advice. After that she is very glad that she never was one to blush easily.

After a few weeks recruiting takes her to Illium and Shepard is quite surprised to meet Liara. And hear her threaten violence. Her friend turns around to face her, a smile spreading over her face. “Christine!”

“Liara”, Shepard crosses the distance between them hugging her. “Good to see you.”

“Good to see YOU”, Liara takes a step back, eyeing her up and down “It’s true, you’re alive.”

“Yeah. Sorry I didn’t call.”

“Have you informed anyone else? They might not have heard; we are pretty much scattered across the universe now. I mean there were rumours but...”

Shepard shrugs. “I met Tali, she’s doing fine. Not to happy that I have to work for Cerberus right now.”

Liara pulls a face. “I can’t really blame her.”

“Me neither”, Shepard sighs. “Garrus and Joker are on my current crew.”

“Garrus?”, Liaras smile shifts from happy to mischievous. “Did you find out…?”

“Yeah, he’s my...we’re soulmates.”

“Chris! That’s amazing!”

“Yeah”, she smiles “It kind of is.”

-

Shepard thinks back to this conversation, Liara’s excitement for her, on the night before they go through the Omega 4 Relay. Her head is resting on Garrus chest, her fingers are interlaced with his talons, once again lining up their tattoos. 

“You know, I’m glad it’s not just an ‘I love you’”  
Shepard shifts, facing Garrus. “What do you mean?”

“The tattoos. If mine just said I love you...I’d get anxious every time you said it.”

“Yeah, I guess”, Shepard looks at the tattoos again. She hasn’t said it often, yet. The first time was right after she kept Garrus from shooting Sidonis. He was distressed. Angry at her, at himself, at Sidonis, at everything. Shepard cupped his face in her hands and said: “I stopped you because I love you. Because I know you are better than this. I kept Jack from killing Aresh, I spared Jacob’s father and I’m stopping you from doing this. Because we are better. We must be better. You understand?”

Garrus nodded slowly and rested his forehead again hers. “I love you too.”

Shepard has always been good at putting the mission, the aim, the whatever, before her feelings. Until now that was.

Because this mission is practically suicide, she knows it, Garrus knows it, everyone on the crew knows it. And this time she is risking someone she loves. Leaving Garrus on the Normandy would not only be unfair to the rest of the crew, it would also be a tactical mistake. No matter how much Shepard wants to protect him, he is a brilliant sniper, and pretty much the only one she trusts to be in command of the second team.

So, the whole way through the base, the whole time they are separated she is anxious, she has never been this anxious before. When it comes to deciding who to send back to the Normandy, Garrus pulls her to the side. “Send Mordin.”

“I wasn’t…”

“I know you’re thinking about sending me, but I am a strong defender. Send Mordin. Leave me in charge here.”

Shepard sucks in her breath. “Every moment you are out here I am afraid. I can’t do this when I am constantly afraid for your life, Garrus.”

“You have to be. We are soldiers. We will always be afraid. Besides…”, he gives her a grin, she knows him well enough to read it, even with the bandage still covering part of his face. “I’m not the one who already died once.”

She smiles and shakes her head. “Goddammit.”

Garrus places a talon on her arm, slightly squeezing it. “We will make it. Ok?”

“Ok”, Shepard takes a deep breath. “I love you…”

“Stop right there.”

“I wasn’t gonna.”

“Good.”, Garrus glances over at their crew, then pulls her into a quick hug. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	10. Cracks

Miranda asks her, after the Relay. “Garrus is your soulmate, isn’t he?”

Shepard looks her up and down, considering her answer. She expected Miranda to leave after she cut ties with Cerberus, but it seems that her loyalties have shifted. Maybe saving Oriana made Miranda trust her. And it wouldn’t make any sense to lie. Miranda knows about the tattoo after all. 

She nods. “Yes.”

To her surprise, Miranda smiles. “Good, it’s nice to have someone who you know will be there for you.”

“I guess”, Shepard unconsciously rubs her sleeve, the one hiding the tattoo. “But I still have to do some things alone. I can’t…I can’t push it off on him.”

“Of course.”

Shepard goes to the Batarian outpost alone. Tries to rescue Kenson alone. She is alone when she dooms an entire system. Shepard tries to tell herself it’s better this way. This way she’s the only one who has to live with what she did, but it also teaches her something. Not every choice is hers to make. She can’t always win. Shepard is starting to break.

Garrus notices how much she is hurting, of course he does. He keeps saying, that he wishes he could have been there with her and Shepard keeps telling him it’s better like this. She almost believes it.

The Alliance demands she surrender herself and the Normandy. Shepard complies, but not before dropping off all the crew except Joker and Chakwas. Garrus leaves last.

As he is about to step off the Normandy, she kisses him. “I love you. I always will.”

Garrus stares at her, frozen. “No.”

Shepard stares back at him quietly.

“No, we are not doing this.”

When she still doesn’t respond, Garrus makes a sound she’s only heard few times before. Only once actually. He’s angry. “I’m not saying it, Chris.”

Shepard closes her eyes and sighs. “We are going to be separated Garrus. In the middle of a war. I would rather choose to say it and knowing you heard me, than spit it out on a hospital bed light years away from you.”

“Yes, but this won’t be our end.”, this time it’s Garrus who places one of his talons on her face, not the other way around like usual. “I will see you again. You hear me?”

Shepard nods then rest her forehead against his. “We are soldiers. We can’t expect to make it.”

“Yes, we can.”, Garrus replies. “Just don’t say it.”

Shepard wishes it were that easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading


	11. War

The six months of house arrest prove to be...detrimental to Shepard’s mental wellbeing. At first, she just feels like she has to do something. The Reapers are coming, everyone is in danger and she is confined to a few rooms in Vancouver. They don’t even let her communicate with the outside. She keeps hoping for Liara to maybe smuggle something through, but nothing happens. She fears for her friend’s lives. Tali, Mordin, Liara…she tries not to think about the danger Garrus might be in.

And then the nightmares start. Shepard keeps dreaming of a forest. Shrouded in fog and with grey sky above. There are silhouettes standing around, vaguely shaped like people. They keep calling out to her begging to be saved. The only voice she can clearly make out is Kaidan’s.

At least she isn’t completely alone. The alliance assigns one James Vega to watch over her. Shepard expects to have to put work into getting him to talk to her, but James acts completely natural right from the beginning, he even tries to flirt with her. Shepard’s rebuffs him quickly, but it’s nice to have a work out buddy. She also decides that she doesn’t have to hide her soulmate tattoo any longer and so starts to wear short sleeves and stops applying makeup over it. She catches James looking at the tattoo and makes a bet with herself on how long it will take him to ask her about it. The answer is one week.

James points at her arm. “Is that a regular tattoo or a soulmate mark?”

“Soulmate mark”, Shepard replies, studying his expression.

“Cool cool”, James hesitates, then let’s his curiosity win. “Is it in turian?”

“Yeah,” Shepard gives a little smile. “He’s a turian.”

“So, you’ve found him?”

She nods.

“Damn. And now you’re under house arrest.”

“Do you have a habit of stating the obvious, Vega?”

“Whoa”, he laughs “Sorry. Must suck.”

Shepard sighs, rubbing her hand over the tattoo again. “It does.”

-

When she finally gets out, Vancouver is in flames. As she is running through the city, Shepard wonders if this will be the new scene of her nightmares or if there will simply be more silhouettes, more voices crying out.

Seeing Liara again on Mars is good, even with Ashley’s open hostility puts a bit of a dampener on their teamwork. As they are flying her back to the Citadel to get Ash to the hospital Shepard wonders if she will ever be fully forgiven. She finds it unlikely.

Joker approaches Menae carefully, not wanting to arouse any more suspicion than necessary. The slow approach leaves Shepard with a lot of time to stare at the huge spots of orange spread all over Palaven. She wonders if Garrus is in the middle of one of them, dying, screaming for her to save him. Or if he is already long dead and his corpse is out there somewhere, fighting for the Reapers. She wonders if she will have to be the one to kill it.

When he walks up to them on Menae instead, alive and healthy, now with a big scar where the bandage used to be, Shepard almost falls into his arms. Almost. She manages to do with nothing more than a handshake and a smile a little too big. Vega looks back and forth between her and Garrus and lets out a snorting laugh. Shepard turns toward him, an eyebrow raised.

“Nothing, Lola”, he grins. “Just happy for you.”

“You better be.”

Garrus re-joins them on the Normandy, of course and this time Shepard makes him move in with her right away. “I don’t give a shit about hiding us anymore.”, she tells him. “If the Alliance or the Council has a problem with us they can find someone else to command the Normandy.”

“Whoa”, Garrus’ mandibles flare “Not that I don’t agree with that, but you sound pissed.”

“You didn’t see. If they had listened to me, Vancouver wouldn’t be destroyed right now. We could have saved some lives. But now…”

“I did see.”, he hugs her, resting his chin atop her head. “Palaven burning...it...we have to end this.”

“We will.”, Shepard takes a deep breath. “Whatever it takes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	12. The Forest

The scene doesn’t change. In her dreams Shepard still just sees the endless grey forest. It fills up, more and more silhouettes joining the whispering choir. She chases the child, but once she reaches him, he goes up in flames.

-

Miranda looks at her with worry. “How are you?”

“Stressed”, Shepard sighs, pushing her hair back out of her face. It’s a bit more unkept these days. “I thought the Illusive Man was putting pressure on us, but it’s nothing compared to now.”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine”. Miranda looks good, now that she has left Cerberus. Less constrained. Shepard feels a lot more comfortable trusting her now, she might even go as far as calling her a friend. 

“Still looking for your sister?”

Miranda nods.

“Tell me if you need any help.”

“I will. Thank you, Shepard.”

She shakes her head. “You’re Normandy Crew. Don’t mention it.”

-

Shepard can’t make out Kaidan’s voice clearly this time and she gets ready to breathe a sigh of relief. But then she hears Mordin.

“Had to be me, someone else might have gotten it wrong.”

The child still burns.

When she wakes up her face is wet with tears.

-

“We’re seeing less of each other.” There is no judgement in Liara’s voice, just concern. She is looking at Shepard from across the Normandy Casino bar.

“Obviously”, Shepard scoffs. “We have a war to fight. You are the Shadow Broker. We are long past hanging out. “

“Yeah”, Liara sighs, taking a sip of her Asari cocktail. Shepard offered her a good old-fashioned human beer but she refused, choosing instead to mix herself a memory of her home.

They try to talk about something else than the war that night. They nearly manage it too.

-  
Thane is in her dreams now too. His voice mixes with Mordin’s in a terrible harmony.

The child burns.

Shepard wakes up with a sob.

Garrus stirs next to her and she immediately holds as still as she can, trying not to wake him. He wakes up anyway, making a sound she has learned to recognize as the turian equivalent of a yawn. “Chris?”

“Go back to sleep, Garrus. It’s the middle of the night.”

“Why are you awake?”

“Bad dream.”

“Are you...are….”, another yawn. “Are you okay?”

Shepard hopes the darkness is hiding her face. “Yeah, I’m good. Just go back to sleep.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Garrus shifts again and Shepard cuddles up to him a little closer, hiding her tears by facing his chest. She knows he will regret just going back to sleep in the morning. Garrus will, undoubtedly, check in with her all day, making sure she’s okay.

She’s not okay, far from it, but she doesn’t have to put that on his plate. He is already doing so much. As are Liara and Tali and everyone else. They don’t need her drama. This is her thing to deal with.

Shepard has a gnawing feeling, growing bigger every day. Maybe even a suspicion. More and more, she doesn’t think she’ll make it. She looks at the war and how it is going, everything they have lost and she’s growing sure she won’t make it out alive. Even if she never says “I love you I always will” to Garrus she could still end up crushed to pieces in a collapsing spaceship or as a reaper drone, saying it but only through her agonized screams. People can still suffer fates just as bad or worse than death even if they haven’t said their last words to their soulmate yet, because it doesn’t matter if their soulmate actually hears them. Reports of people breathing out their last words only so they can die are numerous. Shepard would rather Garrus hears her. She wants to choose to say it.

She goes back to sleep, preparing to enter the forest again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	13. Marks

Shepard’s friends have to more or less bully her into relaxing on shore leave. But once they’ve got her as far as hanging out with all of them individually and planning a party, she is actually enjoying herself.

James is one of the few to come over to the apartment beforehand, first chatting with her on the gallery and then trying out her punching bag. Shepard decides, for old times’ sake, to join in and starts doing pull ups next to him. James’ eyes once again end up resting on her soulmate tattoo.

“How long did you have to hide that for, by the way? Lower arm is a really inconvenient placement.”

Shepard shrugs, as best she can while hanging off a bar at least. “It appeared when I was twenty and I stopped covering it up in house arrest so...10 years...ish...a little more. I have no idea how old I am actually, since...you know, I was dead for two years.”

“Things that only you can say that casually.”, James shakes his head, grinning.

“I am truly extraordinary”, Shepard laughs “And it wasn’t that hard to cover up, I’ve never met anything a good coat of holo make up couldn’t fix. Well, except for that time my face was literally breaking apart, cause Cerberus woke me up from the dead before it was all healed. But I got over it.”

James laughs too. “I wouldn’t believe you if I didn’t know you. But still, glad I never had to wear make up for a whole decade.”

Shepard tilts her head. “You don’t have a soulmate mark?”

“Oh, I do actually”, James pulls up a sleeve revealing some scrawling writing on his right shoulder. Shepard lets herself drop onto the floor and, after James gives her a nod, steps closer to read the tattoo. The handwriting looks odd.

“Goodbye, Jamie?”

“Yeah”, he pulls the sleeve back down. “He said goodbye to me one day, the next day he was in a skycar crash.”

“Oh wow”, Shepard steps back. “It looks…”

“Childlike?”

“Yeah.”

“We were ten years old.”

“Fuck, James, I’m sorry.”

“It’s been almost twenty years so...”, he shrugs. “I guess our parents knew something was wrong when the tattoos appeared that early, I mean, since most people get it as teens.”

Shepard nods, thinking back to how she didn’t even think she had a soulmate, since her mark took so long to appear. She wonders if she should ask the question that is burning on her tongue and decides to just do it. “How...was...is it different? If you lose your soulmate? Then losing someone else?”

Thankfully, James doesn’t seem to think the question is inappropriate, he instead looks at her with concern. “Do you think Garrus might not make it?”

“I don’t know”, she wraps her arms around herself. “We’re in the middle of a war and the Normandy is pretty much on the front line. Our phrases don’t exactly promise old age either it’s...I don’t think Garrus will die. I will not let him die. Not after… everyone else, but I think...my chances aren’t as good.”

“Lola. Christine. Please don’t tell me you’re suicidal.”

“I’m not suicidal. I’m realistic.”, she looks him square in the eye. “Please, James. Is it worse?”

He sighs. “Yeah. It fucking sucks. A part of you dies with them. You can live on of course. Have a full and happy life...still fall in love...but it sucks.”

Shepard presses her lips together, nodding slowly.

“And if you take this as permission to die now…”, Shepard tries to protest but James cuts her off, continuing. “My soulmate died when we were kids. Just friends. Garrus and you...it would be worse.”

“I know”, she nods. “But I... I need to know that if I die...it wouldn’t...I don’t destroy him.”

“That’s not something you can know, Lola. And definitely not something I can tell you.”

Shepard sighs again.

“Just try not to die. Problem solved.”

She lets out a bitter laugh. “I’ll tell that to the reapers.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	14. Whatever It Takes

Shore leave might have been a welcome break, but Shepard knows all too well that it was exactly that,just a break. The gnawing suspicion, the feeling she won’t survive, has only grown. Shepard is afraid, not of what it would do to her, but to Garrus. She is surprisingly calm about the prospect of her own death. Maybe dying once before and hearing the voices of her dead friends every night has softened her up to the idea. She just hopes she won’t have to spend eternity in the forest, otherwise the idea of it all being over actually sounds quite nice. 

Shepard doesn’t tell anyone about those thoughts. She knows how much it would upset her friends and if she told Garrus he would probably lock her in her bathroom and not let her out till the end of the war. But she promised she would be the one to end this, whatever it takes.

-

The screams she hears on Thessia are still ringing in her ears hours later, when they are back on the Normandy. Despite Garrus insistence that she go upstairs and sleep, Shepard first seeks out Liara. She tentatively knocks on her friend’s door, slipping in when she hears her respond.

Liara looks like hell, sitting on her bed, staring down at a padd. Shepard sits down next to her. “How are you?”

“I…”, Liara stops, shrugs. “I’m not even processing it properly. It’s like I’m still down there.”

“You will. You’re still in shock. It takes time.”

Liara laughs, bitterly. “I really don’t want to, Chris. I don’t want it to settle in.”

“Yeah”, Shepard sighs. “I shouldn’t have let you...You didn’t need to see that. It was bad enough for Garrus und I, seeing Vancouver and Palaven, I shouldn’t have taken you along.”

“I asked you to. It wasn’t your fault.”

“If you need anything…”

“I’m going to tell you if I do. Go and rest. We will be on Horizon pretty soon.”

“Yeah, yeah okay.”, Shepard slowly gets up and walks to the door, waiting for Liara to change her mind, but she doesn’t. She feels like she should say more, but Liara and Garrus are right. The exhaustion is getting to her, even if she tries not to show it.

-

“Shh you will be fine; you will be fine.”

Miranda stares up at her, eyes already going glassy. Her blood is pooling on the floor, staining Shepard’s knees. “Take care of…”, she is struggling to get the words out. “Take care of my sister.” Their eyes lock, Miranda’s pleading and fading and Shepard’s wide in horror.

Shepard forces herself to nod and Miranda closes her eyes, her body going limp. Shepard only now notices she is shaking.

Horror turns to anger turns to an unstopping chant in her head. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes. Whatever it takes.

-

Garrus is sitting on her couch studying her. Shepard pretends not to notice his worry, staring down at her padd intently.

“Chris.”

“Not now.”

“Christine.”

She looks up at him, brows furrowed. “What?”

“Take a break.”

“We just got back from shore leave, Garrus.”

“Yes, and since then you have seen Thessia destroyed and Miranda die. Take. A. Break. Just one evening.”

“I can’t.”

“Chris”, Garrus walks over, gently taking the padd out of her hands. “You are killing yourself.”

She looks him in the eyes, wondering when she reached this point, this mixture of complete exhaustion and peace with her fate. “Whatever it takes.”

Garrus stares at her and Shepard knows he wants to contradict her. She also knows he can’t. They promised they would do everything to end this. And neither of them goes back on their promises.

Instead Garrus just hugs her, resting his chin on top of her head. “I love you.”

Shepard wraps her arms around his, burying her face in his chest. “I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading :)


	15. I Love You

London doesn’t feel real. She knew it was this bad, of course she did, but seeing it is something else. The human capacity to process suffering has its limits. At some point you just resign.

Shepard wonders if she is numb already. If that is the word to describe the feeling of numbness inside her. She doesn’t think that resignation. Acceptance maybe.

Garrus talks about retiring, living of the royalties, kids and all Shepard can do in response is rest her forehead against his. He puts a talon on the back of her head, breathing in deeply. “Please survive, Chris.”

She smiles, weakly. “Don’t leave my side and I won’t.” It’s a stupid promise. She should know better. He should know better.

It looks like Shepard, Garrus and Liara can actually make it up to the Citadel together, but only for a few seconds. A vehicle gets flung in the air, almost hitting all three of them, and injuring Garrus in the resulting explosion. Shepard looks at him and he stares back at her, pleading with her not to go through with what she is a about to do. Shepard radios the Normandy.

“Joker, I need a pickup for Garrus and Liara.”

Garrus groans, if in pain or in frustration she can’t tell. “Chris…”

“You can’t fight any more, Garrus. And someone needs to get up there.”

“It doesn’t have to be you.”

“You know it does.”

Shepard can hear the Normandy approaching, the familiar droning of the engines almost drowns out the screaming and explosions around her. It’s such a beautiful sound and she wishes she could get on the ship and leave with them, but she won’t. Whatever it takes.

“Listen to me”, Shepard takes Garrus face in her hands. “I will say it now. Because I might die up there, because I don’t want to say it only so I can stop suffering, because I want to choose it, because I want you to hear it and know it. You are everything to me. Absolutely everything. I would not be here without you and I would not have wanted anyone else by my side throughout all of this. And I am so sorry for this. Garrus Vakarian…”

“Don’t…”

“I love you. I always will.”

Garrus looks at her and Shepard has known him long enough, well enough, has spent years learning how to read him, to see the pain in his eyes. He rests his forehead against hers, hissing in pain from his wounds. “I love you too.”

Shepard pushes him away from her, into the Normandy. She looks at Liara. “Take him.” Her friend nods.

Christine Shepard turns around and walks towards her death.

-

Can a program still have a soulmate?

The Geth don’t have them, but they are a consensus. EDI didn’t seem to have one, but she surely was Joker’s. Were Shepard still a person, she would regret never asking him about it. 

But what remains of Shepard isn’t conscious anymore, not really. It’s only a sentence repeated throughout the program again and again. I love you, I always will. I love you, I always will. I love you, I always will.  
And out in the universe, somewhere, alive, is Garrus Vakarian. Who, every time he is reminded of her, thinks in response.

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Can't believe this is already finished...
> 
> A big thanks to everyone who followed along with this fic and also to you, future person, who just read a whole fifteen chapters of me making myself sad. I hope you got something out of this too. 
> 
> Special thanks to everyone what has left a comment, exspecially "Mel" and "Danypooh80" and to "Frostbite711" who pointed out when I accidently forgot to copy the last few words of a chapter.
> 
> Eternal gratitutde to my Tumblr taglist and dear fandom friends Hal (@bbcalamity) and @aria-tsoni
> 
> And super duper thanks to everyone who bookmarked or subsribed to this one, it's really kept me going.


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